single, mother

Posted by on Jan 29, 2017 in Blog | Comments Off on single, mother

single, mother

I wanted him so badly and for so long that when he arrived I felt an emptiness where the wanting had lived. Here he was, the standing ovation, the hard-won result of years of bedroom efforts, medical visits, needle prods, chakra balancing, mantra recitation, daily juicing, pill-popping and praying, covered in meconium and crying in my arms. He was our reason for working together, many days he was our reason for staying together. Eventually he also became our reason to dissolve. It’s possible that we could have otherwise carried on indefinitely, trudging along on those ragged parallel paths, no energy left to concern ourselves with the fog that had settled thick between them. But while we were too tired to fight for our own happiness, or that of the other, we never stopped wanting to be heroes for him. Yes, he deserves to see what love looks like, to develop a template imprinted on stolen kisses and sympathetic back rubs, on healthy breakdowns-and-makeups, on parents at ease. And so.

In some ways I feel as if a reset button has sent me back to those familiar yet dusty vulnerabilities of my 20s, the building of my career and the opening up to new love; in other ways things feel unchartered. What is it to look for these things, to begin again in these areas of my life, with a child? What will it be like to be branded “Single Mother”, burdened with an onslaught of outmoded connotations of a family burned to the ground, a woman scraping by to make ends meet, a woman spent? What will it be like to ask someone to love not one but two? This body carries the impressions of my journey, of the child I’ve carried and fed, of a heart that’s been broken and neglected of repair. I’m afraid to be seen. I’m afraid of not being seen. I’m afraid. Also, I am awake and hopeful and possible.

Where I feel the imposed heaviness of stigma, I work to feel strong. Single, mother.

All content by Lisa Veronese. Please do not publish or copy my material without my consent.